were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
