so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I came so hard my ears popped.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
