I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
