4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
