If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize