...so i touched it.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
