Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
