my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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