I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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