Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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