No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
