I bet he comes in French.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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