I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize