nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
