I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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