My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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