Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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