Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Found your dick twin last night
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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