went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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