So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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