My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
