it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
