I can text with my tongue
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
