How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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