im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
