and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Randomize
