Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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