3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
