What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
