dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
