The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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