Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
