Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
