I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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