new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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