I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
