I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
