i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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