wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
