So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She's just so happy...and so naked.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
