How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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