The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
