someone threw a dead crab at me
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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