i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
