I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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