I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
