there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
