Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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