textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
