i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
