My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
