the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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