If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
