So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
