I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
