i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
