Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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