I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
