She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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