I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
